On...

I tend to feel all things intensely - good and bad, happy and sad, fun and torturous. What seems to be a positive thing about almost dying, is that it allows you to really reflect on what matters, to be compassionate toward others, to know what to hold on to, and what to let go of. Hatred seems like a pretty negative topic for what is still the holiday season and will soon be a new year, but I think it is a perfect topic on which to reflect, and then to perhaps decide a different course for the fresh start of the new year. It occurs to me that I have carried around hatred. I have hated people for some perceived wrong towards me, my friends or family, or towards a group I have affinity for. I have hated situations, for their unfairness. And, I have even hated spiders, for their creepy eight-legged, multi-eyed look. But, hatred has not served me well. No matter how intensely I hate, nothing changes. I can hate spiders, but my hatred does not rid the world of them - it only leaves m

I thrive on certainty. Or, to be more specific, I thrive on taking chaos and making it certain. I have no actual problem with chaos - as long as I can make it nice, neat, and organized. It happens to be what I'm good at. That being said, what a better time for making chaos certain than the holidays. I know that I did stuff for Christmas last year. I purchased gifts. I made my "famous" lasagna dinner for my family. I know that Santa came. I know the kids got gobs of presents. I know that I spent time with family and friends. But, I don't really remember it. This time last year, I was not long out of the hospital. I think I still had a splint on my left hand and a plastic brace on my neck. And, I may have still been on quite a few pain meds. So, things are a bit...fuzzy. I have to rely on other people's memories of the holiday and not on my own. This year is different. Things are great. I have plenty of time to focus on the holiday, on making it perfect for

Simon is my snuggler. He wants to hug and kiss and sit on my lap. If it had been possible, I swear that kid would have stayed in the womb for eternity. Alli, on the other hand, likes the idea of snuggling, but not actually snuggling so much. She says "Mommy, can you snuggle with me? - But, you lay over there (2 feet away) and don't touch me." She really just wants me to lay down with her before bed, not to snuggle. Unlike her brother, Alli couldn't wait to get out into the world - she arrived 5 weeks early. Everything with Alli, is on her terms. That's okay. My kids are different. I appreciate that about them and life would be boring if they were identical people. I find it interesting though, that it is Alli that manages to find her way to my bed almost nightly. She starts off in hers, but about 2 or 3 AM, she's crawling into mine. And, she is no easy sleeper. She is frequently upside-down, moving all around, tearing covers off, and putting her feet in

Thanksgiving is the bright spot in what I feel is an otherwise drab, dreary, and cold month. It is a holiday of reflection, an examination of how lucky we ultimately are. It is a holiday for family and friends, food and drink, and no expectations relative to finding the perfect gift. This time last year I was still in the hospital. I got out right before Thanksgiving. So, last year's Thanksgiving meant a ton to me, my friends, and my family. It was, however, kind of fuzzy for me. I was still taking a lot of medication and I remember being somewhat overwhelmed by well-wishes. Appreciative of them, yes, but overwhelmed just the same. This year is different. I've been out of the hospital a whole year! I've had a year's worth of new opportunities, of experiences, and of life to reflect on. WOW! I am a lucky girl. I am lucky to be alive. It sounds clichéd to say that, but since I almost didn't make it (a few times) last year, I  am lucky to be alive. I am eternally

I have been having a hard time, recently, deciding what to blog on. And then, I had a conversation with a friend of mine on the trials that we go through in life and it made me think. What makes one person's trial in life harder or more significant than another's? Nothing. Each person will experience a trial, maybe more than one. And for each person experiencing it, that trial will be significant. It will impact that person and the people who love him or her in a most profound way. And no one, will experience their personal trial in the same way as someone else. My friend mentioned that her daughter has suffered an injury that could lead to a major setback in a personal goal and dream for her future. Undoubtedly, her daughter is experiencing both physical pain and mental anguish from what life is unfolding for her.   Hearing her story made me think of a few other friends and family members, their trials, and how different they are from mine: One friend has an inop

"Nothing like brain surgery to get you going in the morning." I almosted posted this on Facebook last Friday, but I decided not to last minute... I did actually have a cerebral angiogram on Friday morning-so not a lie. In fact, it was my fourth or fifth such procedure. And, truth be told, I was kind of nervous about it. It wasn't that I really expected anything bad to happen. And, it wasn't as though I didn't completely trust my doctor (especially since he had pretty much saved my life multiple times). But, I was having another surgery and that isn't much fun. So, what do I do when I'm feeling uncomfortable - I make jokes. But, I skipped the joke this time... Why?  Well, two reasons: 1. My parents were kind of a wreck about the surgery, and I didn't think making light of that was too kind. And 2. I thought about a conversation that Emily and I had, during our anniversary celebration, about perspective. We both have the tendency to not

"Success is my only mother-f*ckin' option. Failure's not."  - Eminem So, why did I start this blog with a line from an Eminem song? Well, for as long as Lose Yourself , has been out, this line has stuck in my head. Perhaps that is because this is how I approach life. Eminem and I may have been brought up in very different ways, and may lead very different lives now, but we agree on this line. It's not that failures don't happen - they do, but what I think this line means is that even when you are faced with failure, success really is the only option. So, you keep on going until you get to a place that feels good. And that brings me to the title of this blog... On Anniversaries. As many of you may remember, this day marks the one year anniversary of the day I didn't die. It is the anniversary of the day that I not only lived through a horrific accident, but it is also the day that set into motion the events of the last year. So, while I kinda wish I

Feminism seems to be a topic in the news lately - or at least in the social media news. Whether it be Beyonce or Emma Watson, gender equality is becoming a popular topic yet again. I think this is a good thing. Gender equality is a necessary topic. Women, as a whole, are still being underpaid and given fewer opportunities. And, I am a feminist. This doesn't mean I hate men or feel that men shouldn't be well paid or given opportunities - I don't and they should, but it should be based on merit, and not on gender. Let me back up and say that I believe that there is inequality past gender, including: race, ethnicity, marriage, etc. And, I believe that this should change and that all people should be treated equally; pay and opportunity should be based on merit, and not on gender, skin color, or religious beliefs. People should be allowed to love whomever they choose and should be able to create a family using their own definition. But, as I can only personally speak to being

My accident has opened doors for me that I may not have opened myself. It also allowed me to be less afraid to open those doors, to peek in, and then, maybe even to walk in and see what happens. Perhaps, when you know what could have happened, it shifts perspective a bit on the things that do happen. I have had the opportunity to slow down. Anyone who knows me, knows that I rarely slow down. And I was definitely forced into it this time, but it has been good. It has allowed me to see what is truly important, rather than just urgent. I have had an opportunity to spend time with my children this summer. I understand how much they need me, and how much I need them. And while I always knew they were important, I know even more that love and attention are key to helping them understand and use the tools at their disposal for success. I have had an opportunity to push my body further in my determination for health and fitness. Yeah, I had to start over a bit. My muscles, when I first

As it turns out, the Pinterest that I developed a relationship with was one that was kind, imaginative, and giving. I was able to create a Minecraft birthday party that made Simon, and his friends, incredibly happy. But, even though the relationship wasn't bad and I got a lot out of it, it's not one I can or want to sustain. So, I'm breaking up with Pinterest. Pinterest, it's not you, it's me. I hope you don't take it personally. I know there are tons of other people who would love to have a relationship with you, one where they can be completely devoted to you. I cannot do that. You gave me good ideas. You helped me create something special for someone I love. You, for one brief afternoon, made me a really cool mom. You brought out a lot of good in me. For all of these things, I appreciate you.     Unfortunately, you also brought out a lot of qualities that I'd prefer not to be faced with day-to-day. I became competitive, not just with the oth

I have failed at a million things (as I'm sure most of us have).  Some of these things have been very significant failures that I regret. Others, in the grand scheme of things, haven't mattered so much. Regardless of whether the failure was significant or not, or led to future success or not, one thing I can say I'm thankful for, is that I try - that I keep going. This is a lesson I hope to instill in my children.  We are not successful because we fail, we are successful because we try, we fail, and we pick ourselves up and try again, and again, and again.  Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we still fail.  And that sucks. I mean REALLY SUCKS! But, even if we don't succeed in the task at hand. We can still succeed.  We can grow and learn from our failures and make adjustments for the future.  And still, I would rather try and fail than never risk trying. Because, to never risk trying means never growing and learning, and never ultimately succeeding. So, here

I will admit it: I love prepackaged stuff. Whether food (particularly kids lunches) or party supplies, if it's prepackaged, I'll pay the extra money for the convenience. I can see my mom reading this right now and cringing, at least about the food. Now that I've gotten that admission out of the way, I'll tell you why I'm thinking about this. Simon's birthday party is in a couple of weeks. He wanted a Minecraft themed party. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Minecraft , I promise that Simon could spend hours filling you in, but for the sake of time, it's a video game. Minecraft is a pretty popular video game and there are all sorts of plush creatures, LEGO kits, and other things that you can purchase. There are not, however, party supplies. WHAT?!?!! Why on earth has someone not made prepackaged party supplies for Minecraft ? I am not an artsy-craftsy kind of person. I don't just dislike being artsy-craftsy, I'm pretty sure it gives me

empathy - ( noun) - the ability to understand and share the feelings of another sympathy - ( noun) - feelings of pity or sorrow for someone else's misfortune Why do I share the definitions of empathy and sympathy? Well, because they are often confused, but they are very different things. I received a lot of sympathy relative to my accident, my injuries, and my continuing recovery. People have felt bad that I have gone through what I have gone through, and as a result, a lot of people have lent a hand, a kind word, and a kind thought. For all of that, I am appreciative.   However, empathy is more difficult. Empathy means you have to put yourself in the shoes of another. It means you have to try to understand things from a perspective that is not your own. It takes work to have empathy. And, in some instances, it is almost impossible. While empathy is more difficult, it is also more important. In order to have any successful relationships, you need to be able to have

My kids have a lot of stuff. I'm not going to pretend they don't. They have more than the average child, and for that matter, I have more than the average person too. We are fortunate. I understand that. Even though I have tried to consciously practice creating memories for my children over purchasing more things, it has become more important in my mind since the accident. Perhaps that is because I truly understand how valuable life is now - in a way that I couldn't have possibly understood before. I want my children to understand that accumulating items doesn't create a good life - doing interesting things and spending time with interesting and loving people does. Does that mean that I won't occasionally give in to the "I wants?" No, I am sure that I will. To be honest, sometimes it's just easier than always trying to make a case for why things aren't that important. And, to be honest again, sometimes I want things too - and sometimes, I get

20 years ago, I graduated from high school. A few weeks ago, I had my 20th high school reunion. How did 20 years pass so quickly? I can remember like it was just yesterday my equal parts excitement and anxiety over the next chapter in my life and what it would mean to the friendships I had worked so hard to forge over those previous years. Once again, I was faced with equal parts excitement and anxiety - this time not over the next chapter, but rather over what it would be like seeing some of my fellow high schoolers again. I have been incredibly lucky. There are a few people from my high school class (in fact, some from before that), that I remain in close contact with, seeing them as much as once a month,. There are more people that I've seen here and there over the years. Then, there are those that I haven't seen since our last reunion, five years ago. And still more, that I haven't seen since I left for college. How have we changed? Well, we've aged (we are

I often choose the harder path.  If there are two ways to do something and one is super easy, I'll pick the other. Sometimes this is foolish. And sometimes, this has taught me great lessons. Perhaps this is why I like spin so much. Spin is one of those classes that does not get easier with time. I mean, you could make it easier, by decreasing resistance or speed, but then, why are you taking a class at the gym in the first place? For most people, spin doesn't get easier. The moment it feels like your body can handle it, you crank up the resistance or pedal faster. So here are the lessons I learn from spin, every single time I go: 1. Nothing worth doing is easy: Each instructor teaches spin class a little differently. Some like to focus on strength training (this means a lot of heavy climbs). Some like to focus on speed work (this means a lot of sprints). And some, like to do a lot of interval training (this means a combination of speed work and strength training).  None

Anyone can be nice.  Nice, to me, equates with being polite. If you've been taught basic manners, you can be nice. You may not, deep-down, believe how your acting, but you can fake it and be nice. I am not always nice. In fact, I have a snarky side. Many of you have seen it. Sometimes I get irritable and grouchy and say things that I don't really mean in the broad view, but probably mean at the time I am saying them. My brother, over many years of growing up and sibling drama, has been the receiver of my snarkiness more than perhaps any other human being on the planet. But, that being said, one thing I strive for, is to be kind. I can't say I am always kind in every situation, but my general intention in life is to be kind. Kindness is different than niceness. To be kind is to be genuine in your concern for others; to really care about their pain, their success, their life. Kindness doesn't mean you don't get angry. Kindness doesn't mean you don't do

Recently a friend came to visit me and she gave me a framed quote.  It is as follows: The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts the sails. - William Arthur Ward This quote speaks to me for several reasons. One: I grew up sailing (or more accurately, I grew up a frequent passenger on my parents’ sailboat), so I like the imagery. Two:  I am a positive person who has been through a lot of changes recently. Pessimism is something I rarely identify with, although I can understand how easy it could be to fall into its trap - misery begets misery. Optimism, though, is also a trap - a feel-good trap, but a trap nonetheless.  It is a make-believe way of looking at the world. Realism, however, is empowerment. If you understand that the world around you changes, and that you also have the ability to adjust with those changes, to make choices, and that you have strength to deal with the challenges that will occur throughout your lif

Today is my birthday.  I love birthdays. I love other people's birthdays more than my own. I enjoy celebrating other people on their special day. I always have. I make a big deal about other people's birthdays, even when they might wish I wouldn't. I haven't minded this process of getting older so much. While there are certainly things that I wish didn't happen with age that do, generally speaking, I'm OK with it. I take care of myself and I find the humor in what I can't change. And laughter keeps you young at heart, right? I do remember being a kid and thinking how very old 38 seemed. 38 doesn't seem so old anymore. Funny how that perception changes. This year, as I celebrate the day of my birth, I am reminded of how easily I could have never celebrated this day again (or any day) and I think of my parents, my children, my friends and family, and I am so grateful to be celebrating this year. I am so thankful to have another year to celebrate. I

As most of us who peruse the internet or watch TV or read magazines know, Dove has a long-running campaign on redefining beauty.  Here's link to one of my favorite ads and with it a blog (by another writer) about how Dove has missed the mark. I certainly understand both points of view and I believe Dove's intentions are two-fold: one, to actually redefine beauty and two, to make money. We can't pretend that Dove doesn't want to sell product - they do, but they can also help our culture in the process. Additionally, I was listening to a book at the gym and heard something that stuck with me.  "We should not think of scars as being ugly. Scars mean we survived." Combined, these two things have been bouncing around in my head and made me think about accident survivors, cancer survivors, etc. and how we see ourselves. While I cannot pretend to understand what other's have gone through, I know what I've gone through, and I can speak for myself.