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Showing posts from 2016

On The Family I Picked

When I was 15 months old, I was given a powerful message: blood relation is not the only family that matters. When I was 15 months old, my dad picked me (and my mom). Technically that makes him my step-father, but he is my dad through and through. He wasn't the only one who picked me and became my family, though. His parents became my grandparents; his brothers and sisters became my uncles and aunts. Never once have I ever felt anything other than a great sense of belonging. I am theirs and they are mine. So, it has been with this message, deep in my heart and on the surface of all that I do, that I journey through life picking people to add to my family. It is with this message, that I hope to provide my children a roadmap to forming their own families.  And what an amazing family I have - it is wide-spread; it is diverse; it is filled with love.  This family of mine has loved and supported me in my darkest times and in my happiest of moments. I am secure in th

On What If I'm Not Enough

As we get closer to this day... the day that Simon is to be discharged from the hospital... this is a thought that keeps running through my mind: what if I'm not enough? What if I am not enough to help the boy I love so much... my first baby? What if all the love I have to give doesn't make him happy, or healthy, or safe? What if everything I've done up until now has been wrong? What if I will never be able to make the world better, or safer for him? These thoughts are self-defeating. And, these thoughts are real. I cannot pretend that I don't have them. I would imagine that all parents must feel this at some point, for some reason. It seems a shame that we do not always seek to support one another during these times of doubt, but perhaps we have to admit we have these feelings in order to receive that type of support. So, here I am admitting these thoughts - these doubts so prominent in my mind. And please know, I am so grateful for all the support we

On Words

Words have power: the power to hurt and the power to heal.  I actively choose to omit (most of the time, and even when it is really hard) the words that will do damage, those that have no purpose other than to make myself temporarily feel better. I know those words will not serve me well - they will not move me forward along on this path that is my life.  Instead, I actively choose to use words that show love and understanding, kindness and respect; words that show my gratitude. I want to use my words and my actions to help others in their time of need, even when I do not know the exact words to say.  Now, I want to use my words to thank each of you that have reached out in some way.  You may not have words that will make all of my sadness and fear go away. You may not have words to fix this challenging time I find myself and my family in. Yet, you chose to speak anyway.  Please know, your words are healing. Your words of kindness, compassion and support have allo

On The Hardest Thing Ever

This is hard. I mean really really hard. I am not generally afraid to do hard things. In fact, I've done a lot of really hard things, Hard makes me stronger. Hard builds my character. Hard allows me to understand others. So hard, isn't something that bothers me - at least when it's something hard for myself. It's a different story when the hard thing has to do with my child.  I am not totally sure why I am writing about this. Maybe it is partially because I currently cannot think of anything else and maybe, if I write it down, it will free my brain and give it some release. Or, perhaps it is a little bit because I know I can't be the only parent who has ever dealt with this, and so my sharing might help someone else.  The stigma of mental illness looms heavily. I find it absurd that we, as a culture, can completely accept someone having a physical illness, yet cannot fathom accepting the illnesses we cannot see. So many individuals suffering from mental il

On Anniversaries... Part 3

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How does three years go by so quickly, and yet contain a lifetime worth of changes? As most of you know, three years ago, on October 11th, Emily and I hydroplaned into the back of a tractor trailer. I was driving. Weather made it an unfortunately unavoidable accident. Fortunately for me, I do not remember the accident or the immediate aftermath. What I do remember from that time three years ago, is the kindness and caring that surrounded me: from family and friends, from medical staff and strangers, from people I barely knew that I now consider family. That kindness sustained me in some very difficult times. I will always be in awe of and completely amazed that my life meant so much that others exhibited such unwaivering and unending support. Although I do not tend to focus on the accident or even the lingering challenges I face, I think it is important to mark this day as one of significance.  Because, this may have been a very bad day three years ago, and I may have had ma

On Tricks for Positivity

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I have been asked recently, by more than one person, how I manage to stay positive considering everything I've been through, as well as my daily challenges. Here's a secret though: I am not always positive. More days than not, I have to work really hard to remember why being positive is important to me. I have to remember that it is worth it to show my children that even when life is hard, we can learn and grow from each experience and have a good and happy life. I have to remember that coming back to positive allows me to manage each challenge that comes my way. So, I thought I'd share what works for me: Trick #1: How hard I work at the gym is directly correlated to how challenging my day has been. If you've ever seen me in a spin class, you know that few people outwork me. So... you can guess from that, I might have some challenging days. Why do I work so hard at the gym and how does it help bring me back to a positive mindset? Well, focusing on working ph

On Possibility

Possibility is an interesting thing. It can bring with it both hope and aprehension. It is both refreshing and scary as hell. Being open to possibility means being open to the possibility of greatness and being open to the possibility of something bad.  It is in my nature to be extremely cautious, to not choose possibility of greatness for fear of the possibility of something bad. I have to fight against this cautious nature. And I do. Every. Single. Day. So, perhaps what has allowed me to grow the most has been what has also caused me great pain - physical, mental and emotional. I have said before - I do not regret anything that I've lived through because it has made me stronger, better and who I am today. Perhaps a big, life changing, potentially life-ending event, is what one needs to be open to possibility. I certainly don't wish that on anyone, but it has helped me. I know there are people out there who are just open - to everything. I think most people, though

On The Important Difference

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Simon was relatively recently diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. I say relatively recently because he's almost 11 and it was only this past school year that we got the official diagnosis. He is fairly high-functioning and can for the most-part (with some challenges) get along in the general education classroom. We have been very fortunate, throughout his school career thus far, to always have a team of people in place that have been willing, capable, and fiercely determined to provide Simon with all of the tools and resources he needs to be successful in an academic setting. As you can imagine, though, there have been (and likely will be), many struggles. Although in many ways, I was not surprised by the diagnosis, he does not present as one might expect. He does not isolate himself from others. In fact, he is usually the first to go up to another child and say "Hi, my name is Simon, would you like to play?" Most people who meet him for a few minutes would

On Forty

I remember, as clearly as if it were yesterday (not 30 years ago), when my dad turned 40. We had a surprise party for him and decorated the house with black balloons and "Over the Hill" paraphernalia. We teased him relentlessly on being old. And here I am, at my second day of being 40.  Is 40 old? Its funny what I thought back then and how differently I think now.  40 isn't old. I don't even think the 70 that my dad is turning this year is old.  Fortunately, celebrating my birthday this year did not take the same morbid turn of my dad's 40th birthday. Perhaps that is because I almost didn't get the chance to be this old. Or possibly, it is that (and happily so) the trend in celebrating 40 as "Over the Hill" is something that disappeared with the '80s. And maybe, we all just need to get a little older to realize how 40 isn't old at all.  In any case, my birthday has been full of celebration. In fact, it seems that instead

On Winning

I win. I am not talking about any specific contest. I am talking about life. I win at life. Perhaps that sounds arrogant. It's not intended that way. It is really just about how I feel. And, I don't just win because I'm lucky or because people give me things... I win for three very specific reasons: I align myself with the right people, I work hard at everything I do, and I never give up. A perfect recent example is Team Miller, the team I was on for the two month challenge at the gym. We won our challenge. I aligned myself with the right people, I worked hard, and I didn't give up. Every member of our team worked hard. Our coach worked hard to help us get past the bumps in the road. Our team supported one another through the good and the bad. We didn't give up. We won because we deserved to win. I am lucky. I am lucky, though, because I make my own luck, and then I recognize all there is to be grateful for: I have great kids because every single day I

On the Team Challenge

I've written several times about what I've learned from being on teams... on my high school field hockey team, and even in my school orchestras (which was very much a team). Most recently, I joined a new team... Team Miller. Miller is a personal trainer and fitness instructor at my gym.  Club One (my gym) is holding a "Team Challenge" where five people sign up per coach and from March 1 - May 1, earn points through taking classes, working out, keeping a nutrition log, and meeting our individual and group fitness goals. I didn't join this team or this challenge because I feel like I need to get a jump start before bathing suit season, although that could be the motivation for others - the timing is right. I joined the team because I like teams and I like challenges. Truth be told, I don't even know what we win. I just know I want to win. Already, this group of women (and Miller) are teaching me and reminding me of some really important things: It is imp

On Understanding Grief

I feel as though I should apologize for my grief. Grief almost seems too extreme a word because I am not talking about the loss of another human being or even an animal. I am, for the most part, a very positive person. And yet, grief is still the best description for the feelings that I sometimes feel. I have trouble reconciling my profound feelings of grief with the fact that I am a very lucky individual. I am someone who is lucky to be alive. I am lucky to be a functioning part of society. I am lucky to get to see my children grow up. I have a really amazing, fantastic life, one that I came so close to losing and therefore do not take for granted. For all of these things, I am incredibly grateful. And so, I feel somewhat guilty for grieving my losses, on any level. And yet, I still feel it. Perhaps my losses are not so great, at least not in comparison to what they could have been or to others' losses. But, there are times when a deep sense of grief overwhelms me. Something

On Moments

I have this framed quote in my room: Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away . I remember when I moved into my condo almost three years ago, how drawn I was to that quote. It felt so... Hopeful... Almost magical. That belief that there were moments that could take your breath away was what I needed at the time. I needed to believe in that kind of magic. And now, I think I've changed my mind. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that life has moments that can take your breath away... The birth of both of my children certainly count as those kind of moments. And more recently, my trip to Ireland was filled with breath-taking moments. Those kinds of moments are important... And magical. I no longer believe (or want to believe), however, that those moments are what defines life. It is a lovely, magical, hopeful sentiment. But what defines life - or a life well lived - is more often the ordinary moments. The moments that reall

On Believing We Can

As I have listened to others' stories, I have heard people say they have been told all their lives that they couldn't do something. Their dreams and personal goals have been laughed at, made fun of, or otherwise just dismissed. Why do we feel it necessary, as a culture, to dismiss what someone else wants to accomplish as silly or impossible? How does this make how we experience our own lives any better? I don't believe it does. Hearing these stories makes me that much more grateful for my own upbringing. Sure, I had the occasional teacher or other influential adult tell me my dreams were silly or that the likelihood of my success at a particular goal was quite low. The adults that really counted, though: my parents, never told me such things. My parents have been (and continue to be) supportive of anything I set my mind to do. Nothing that I ever brought up as an interest or a dream was dismissed. Not even when I all I wanted to be when I grew up was a server at Cantl

On Having a Positive Spin on Life

As anyone who knows me or reads my blog can attest to, I have a fairly positive spin on life. I can see the good in even the most horrible of situations or challenges (at least in hindsight). This blog title is a little misleading though because it actually refers to a class that I have been taking lately called "A Positive Spin on Life." Again, if you know me or read my blog, you also know that spin is my favorite gym class and I take many spin classes a week. So, I bet you are wondering what this class is all about? How it is different from the regular spin class? Well, my friend Kris is both the instructor and creator of this course and every single time I take it, I feel privileged to be able to do so. It is an incredibly challenging class, physically. I love to challenge myself physically on a regular basis. And, it is the most thought-provoking, awe-inspiring hour that I spend on Tuesdays and every-other-Saturday.  I also love to challenge myself mentally and

On Opening Doors

Welcome to my favorite holiday! People tend to look at me strangely when I say that. It is not that I don't love or appreciate the other holidays.... I do. New Years, though, are about opening doors, and... well, I love the magic in that symbolism. I love a fresh start. I love having a year ahead of me with nothing defined other than possibility. A new year feeds my need to make chaos certain. There is no greater chaos than a year ahead without definition. YAY! I get to work on making 365 new days certain. I am giddy with the joy of it. I understand that for some of you, closing the door on 2015 feels like relief. It isn't as much the start of something new that you are looking forward to, but rather the end of something old. We have all had years like that. 2013 was like that for me. I was SO READY to start 2014. I would have been remiss, however, if I had closed the door on 2013 without taking a few things with me: the lessons I learned and the important people I me