On Mourning My Old Self

I feel as though I've done a pretty good job of being grateful... Of recognizing what I still have and of how lucky I am to be as okay as I am.  But still, sometimes I lament my former self.
I miss how my body used to work. I miss being able to make a fist with my left hand.  I miss being able to hold more than 17.5 pounds of weight in my left hand without fear of dropping it.  I miss not being covered in hideous bruises. I miss being able to pay attention for more than 15 minutes at a time.  I miss hearing in both ears.  I miss the lack of daily frustrations I now feel.  I miss the old me.
Don’t worry, I have not taken a serious turn for the worse.  I’m still grateful for where I am today and I am still committed to getting better and better everyday, but I won’t lie to you - this is a struggle, one that I face everyday.


Recently, a friend of mine helped put everything in perspective.  She reminded me that the "old me" is a myth, as is the "new me."  This got me thinking… Perhaps I look back on the past with a fondness that I probably didn't feel when I was living it.  Perhaps I look to the future as some magical possibility. But, the only "me" that is true is the one right here and now.  

So, I will probably continue to mourn my vision of the "old me."  I will probably continue to, occasionally, wish for those days of easily moving body parts and hearing in both ears.  But, I am who I am, right now. And all I can really do is make this "me", the one that is right here and now, the best "me" I can be. And by doing that, the "future me" will be the best me I can be too.  

Comments

  1. melissacbr600May 10, 2014 at 2:23 PM

    I can see how you would miss the old you, but its the old you that made you such a strong role model and the beautiful you you are today. We all have old me that we miss, granted the changes arent usually as drastic as yours were, but its how we grow, learn, and appreciate life. You my dear are amazing, old, new and future!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Carrie RootMay 22, 2014 at 10:22 AM

    Thank you so much for all the support!

    ReplyDelete

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