On the Societal Expectations of Brave
If I were to name one trait that I hope my daughter has, it would be bravery. I hope my son has it as well, but I think it is sort-of socially expected that boys will be brave, and it is more socially important that girls are.
Would I describe myself as brave? Perhaps... sometimes. I have friends that would say I'm brave because I defied death. I don't actually believe that makes me brave at all. I think that makes me... hopeful... and lucky. It isn't some fear I faced. Instead, it was just the belief that I wasn't going to die. There's a difference.
To me, bravery is facing a fear... being afraid... and doing it anyway. My surviving my accident wasn't brave - I didn't face any fears. I'm not afraid of death. All I did was believe that I would be fine. I will believe I am (and was) strong... in body and in mind... but brave... not in this instance.
I have been brave, on more than one occasion. And yet, I'm not sure it is an adjective I'd use to describe myself. There have been more than a few times that I've taken the coward's way out.
Perhaps that is okay though. Perhaps it is the knowledge that we've taken the coward's way out in the past that makes us brave in the present... or in the future.
I know some incredibly strong women, women who could find their way to achieving anything. And yet, these women are those that I see questioning their ability... I see them questioning how they parent, how they partner with their spouses, how they go about their work-life, how they go about life in general. Still, when it comes right down to it, whether they are afraid or not, whether they question their abilities or not, they do it anyway and achieve amazing things in the process. They are brave.
Is this just the plight of being a woman? Is it that we are taught to question ourselves at every turn, to think that perhaps we aren't as good as we had originally thought, that we aren't as good as someone else? Do we question the idea of labeling ourselves as brave? I hope not. And yet, I see this as a societal commonality... one that I hope is gone by the time my daughter is an adult.
Is the reverse expectation the norm for boys... do we expect them to be brave, always; to never take the coward's way out? And when they do, do we look down upon them? Do I do this to my son? I hope not.
I want both of my children to know what being brave is, and to experience it, regularly. When they are nervous about something, I tell them to put a smile on their faces, take a deep breath, know that it is scary, and... do it anyway. These are the same steps I have taken in the face of my own fears. It works long enough to get to the point that you realize whatever you're doing is not that bad, or that you'll at least survive it.
I started this blog post thinking of my daughter, thinking of how many times she will question herself and not believe herself to be brave. Then I thought of my son and of how many times choosing brave is the expectation for him because he's a boy, and that he will question himself if he doesn't live up to it.
I see traditional gender roles fading, and for this, I am glad. I am lucky to have been brought up by parents who always believed I could do whatever I set my mind to, and didn't question that I would make the brave choice. I hope that growing up in such a household serves equally as well for my children. I hope that the combination of the two allows my children to be who they're going to be without question.
So, what do I wish for them in their future endeavors? I wish them to choose love over the safe choice. I wish them to choose their dreams over a sensible career, and to work hard to make it happen. I am not saying that I hope they make poor decisions - I just hope they make the brave, hard ones, knowing that it'll take a lot of hard to work to achieve what they've set their minds on doing.
I wish my children to be brave throughout their whole lives. Will they? Probably not. It is difficult to be brave in all of one's decisions. And still, I wish that they are brave in most. I will continue to strive to model this behavior. I will smile in the face of my fears and I will do it anyway... Really, what is there to lose?
Would I describe myself as brave? Perhaps... sometimes. I have friends that would say I'm brave because I defied death. I don't actually believe that makes me brave at all. I think that makes me... hopeful... and lucky. It isn't some fear I faced. Instead, it was just the belief that I wasn't going to die. There's a difference.
To me, bravery is facing a fear... being afraid... and doing it anyway. My surviving my accident wasn't brave - I didn't face any fears. I'm not afraid of death. All I did was believe that I would be fine. I will believe I am (and was) strong... in body and in mind... but brave... not in this instance.
I have been brave, on more than one occasion. And yet, I'm not sure it is an adjective I'd use to describe myself. There have been more than a few times that I've taken the coward's way out.
Perhaps that is okay though. Perhaps it is the knowledge that we've taken the coward's way out in the past that makes us brave in the present... or in the future.
I know some incredibly strong women, women who could find their way to achieving anything. And yet, these women are those that I see questioning their ability... I see them questioning how they parent, how they partner with their spouses, how they go about their work-life, how they go about life in general. Still, when it comes right down to it, whether they are afraid or not, whether they question their abilities or not, they do it anyway and achieve amazing things in the process. They are brave.
Is this just the plight of being a woman? Is it that we are taught to question ourselves at every turn, to think that perhaps we aren't as good as we had originally thought, that we aren't as good as someone else? Do we question the idea of labeling ourselves as brave? I hope not. And yet, I see this as a societal commonality... one that I hope is gone by the time my daughter is an adult.
Is the reverse expectation the norm for boys... do we expect them to be brave, always; to never take the coward's way out? And when they do, do we look down upon them? Do I do this to my son? I hope not.
I started this blog post thinking of my daughter, thinking of how many times she will question herself and not believe herself to be brave. Then I thought of my son and of how many times choosing brave is the expectation for him because he's a boy, and that he will question himself if he doesn't live up to it.
I see traditional gender roles fading, and for this, I am glad. I am lucky to have been brought up by parents who always believed I could do whatever I set my mind to, and didn't question that I would make the brave choice. I hope that growing up in such a household serves equally as well for my children. I hope that the combination of the two allows my children to be who they're going to be without question.
So, what do I wish for them in their future endeavors? I wish them to choose love over the safe choice. I wish them to choose their dreams over a sensible career, and to work hard to make it happen. I am not saying that I hope they make poor decisions - I just hope they make the brave, hard ones, knowing that it'll take a lot of hard to work to achieve what they've set their minds on doing.
I wish my children to be brave throughout their whole lives. Will they? Probably not. It is difficult to be brave in all of one's decisions. And still, I wish that they are brave in most. I will continue to strive to model this behavior. I will smile in the face of my fears and I will do it anyway... Really, what is there to lose?
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