On Lessons For and From My Children

Children can be cruel. I understand that this is, unfortunately, a part of life.

I was taught that being intentionally unkind to another person is not acceptable behavior. I was taught that if someone speaks to you, you should be respectful and respond. I was also taught that if I was unkind, whether intentionally or unintentionally, the person I was unkind to was owed an apology. For the most part, I have upheld this behavioral standard (my brother might argue, at least where he was concerned) set by my parents.

While I am working hard to share these lessons with my own children, it always astounds me that other children are not brought up this way.

Alli is very shy and she does not readily ask someone to play with her, even when she really wants to play. She'll often ask me to intervene for her, and I tell her that I will come with her, but that she has to ask herself. She is the one who wants to play, so she needs to do the asking.

Simon is not shy at all. Simon craves connection, and for that reason has no problem going up to a kid near by and saying "Hi, my name is Simon. What's your name? Want to play?"

Some children are taken aback by Simon's persistence, both in wanting to play, and in his single-mindedness of agenda. Some children play with him. And some children, completely pretend like he hasn't spoken to them at all because... they are doing something else, they don't think he is like them, he's too young, he's too old, whatever...

Do not get me wrong, I think it is completely okay if a child does not want to play with Simon, either because he or she isn't interested in the game, or because he or she is doing something different when Simon asks to play. What I do not think is okay, is ignoring him... like he hasn't spoken.

Just recently I shared this lesson with Alli - a little girl asked her to play and she did not want to play with her because she was playing with me. I told Alli that she needed to say "no thank you, I'm playing with my mom right now." I explained that it was okay not to play, it was not okay to not respond. And, she should do so kindly.

Here's the part that absolutely amazes me when Simon is faced with such a situation: it does not deter him from asking another child to play - either that day or another. He goes through life, at least relative to making connections with people, with this nothing ventured, nothing gained attitude.  

I know Simon's feelings get hurt by other children's unkindness. I know because he shares it with me. And I have shared with him how much I appreciate that he doesn't let that stop him from trying. I appreciate that he calls every person he meets his friend. He speaks to children and adults, answers questions, is quick to say something kind, and is honest in all of his interactions. And yet, he knows he doesn't have a lot of friends, and he wants them - so, he keeps trying.

And, aren't these lessons we can all take with us:

• Be kind and respectful
• Always respond when someone speaks to you - even if it is to say "no"
• Apologize when you are unkind, whether intentional or unintentional
• Keep trying 

What valuable lessons in resilience and hope he teaches me on a regular basis. May his sense of hope never be squashed, by time (or middle school).