On Being Fiercely Independent
I went to visit my grandmother the other day. Recently, she had a fall, and this resulted in a huge gash in her head, and subsequently, nine staples to put it back together. I mentioned to her that she really should ask for help rather than risk hurting herself. As I spoke these words, I saw the light bulb in my mind turn on. Reality is, I totally get why she doesn't ask for help. I don't ask for help either. I think this realization allowed me to connect with my grandmother on a deeper level - I acknowledged how hard it must be for her to have to ask for help, to not be as independent as she once was. And, I told her that people want to help her because we love her and we want her to be safe.
To say that I am fiercely independent is probably an understatement. I grew up with the belief that I could do it myself, and I pretty much always did.* For that reason, the thought of needing help, let alone actually asking for it, makes my skin crawl.
Don't get me wrong, asking someone to help me do the dishes or clean up a spill isn't an issue, but asking someone to help me with something that I made the choice to do on my own, something that is part of my long-term goals, or something I can no longer do myself because of challenges associated with the accident, I shudder at the thought.
There are advantages and disadvantages to being fiercely independent.
I am motivated, determined, and I persevere. These are good things that have helped me through some pretty tough times. However, these things can also make me a little one-tracked and goal-centric - sometimes I lose the why in the what.
I actually believe that I can do anything I set my mind on doing. While this is a powerful belief that has led me to a lot of success, when I fail, it can be devastating. It can throw me for a loop and it might take me a moment or two to recover.
I am resilient, though. This is good news for when I fail, as it doesn't take me too long to set my sight on a different way of achieving my goals and then get right back to it.
Because I hate asking for help, I try to think about the type of help my family or friends might need, and pitch in before they even ask. But, this also leads me to have unfair expectations of others. I tend to expect that I shouldn't have to ask for help - that my family and friends will know what I need, when I need it, and provide it. This can lead to a lot of disappointment on my end, and complete bafflement on the end of my family and friends.
It isn't that I actually mind someone helping me, it's really just the asking. Because if I don't have to ask and someone just helps me, then I can still believe that I could do it myself.
So, I've been examining recently why I have this need to be fiercely independent and have such a hard time relying on others. And, I think it's two things - One, I've been disappointed in the past and if I rely on myself, the likelihood of disappointment is far less. And two, I think it might also have to do with the fact that I feel shame in my inability to handle the situation myself. If I need to ask for help then I really can't do it myself, and then the long-standing belief I've held (that I can do anything) is false. That's an issue. I'm working on it.
Why do I tell you this? Perhaps it is because I am trying to grow - and to grow I am asking for help (yes, my skin is crawling and I'm doing it anyway). I'm asking you to understand that this is a huge challenge for me. I'm asking you to give me a little bit of grace when I have unrealistic expectations of you and then get upset when you don't come through. I am asking you to remind me (gently) of the why when I get lost in the what. And I'm asking you to help me, even when I don't ask for help specifically. Because maybe I need it, but maybe I need my belief that I can do anything myself, just a little bit more.
* This is not to say my parents didn't do things for me growing up - they did. They also gave me the tools I needed for success and the confidence to believe I could figure it out on my own.
To say that I am fiercely independent is probably an understatement. I grew up with the belief that I could do it myself, and I pretty much always did.* For that reason, the thought of needing help, let alone actually asking for it, makes my skin crawl.
Don't get me wrong, asking someone to help me do the dishes or clean up a spill isn't an issue, but asking someone to help me with something that I made the choice to do on my own, something that is part of my long-term goals, or something I can no longer do myself because of challenges associated with the accident, I shudder at the thought.
There are advantages and disadvantages to being fiercely independent.
I am motivated, determined, and I persevere. These are good things that have helped me through some pretty tough times. However, these things can also make me a little one-tracked and goal-centric - sometimes I lose the why in the what.
I actually believe that I can do anything I set my mind on doing. While this is a powerful belief that has led me to a lot of success, when I fail, it can be devastating. It can throw me for a loop and it might take me a moment or two to recover.
I am resilient, though. This is good news for when I fail, as it doesn't take me too long to set my sight on a different way of achieving my goals and then get right back to it.
Because I hate asking for help, I try to think about the type of help my family or friends might need, and pitch in before they even ask. But, this also leads me to have unfair expectations of others. I tend to expect that I shouldn't have to ask for help - that my family and friends will know what I need, when I need it, and provide it. This can lead to a lot of disappointment on my end, and complete bafflement on the end of my family and friends.
It isn't that I actually mind someone helping me, it's really just the asking. Because if I don't have to ask and someone just helps me, then I can still believe that I could do it myself.
So, I've been examining recently why I have this need to be fiercely independent and have such a hard time relying on others. And, I think it's two things - One, I've been disappointed in the past and if I rely on myself, the likelihood of disappointment is far less. And two, I think it might also have to do with the fact that I feel shame in my inability to handle the situation myself. If I need to ask for help then I really can't do it myself, and then the long-standing belief I've held (that I can do anything) is false. That's an issue. I'm working on it.
Why do I tell you this? Perhaps it is because I am trying to grow - and to grow I am asking for help (yes, my skin is crawling and I'm doing it anyway). I'm asking you to understand that this is a huge challenge for me. I'm asking you to give me a little bit of grace when I have unrealistic expectations of you and then get upset when you don't come through. I am asking you to remind me (gently) of the why when I get lost in the what. And I'm asking you to help me, even when I don't ask for help specifically. Because maybe I need it, but maybe I need my belief that I can do anything myself, just a little bit more.
* This is not to say my parents didn't do things for me growing up - they did. They also gave me the tools I needed for success and the confidence to believe I could figure it out on my own.
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