On Almost Dying

I did not see a "white light." Nor did family members, having passed before me, appear to me and tell me it wasn't my time. My life did not flash before my eyes. I didn't experience any of the things that you hear of in "near death experiences." It isn't that I don't believe that this might happen for some people, but I can say that it did not happen for me. Perhaps, though, that was because it never occurred to me that I was going to die.
 
I can't say one thing or another was my inspiration to survive. I'm sure my children had a lot to do with it, but mostly, I think it was my mindset. I just didn't think I would die, or that I wouldn't be okay (even if that took a lot of work). So, I sort of willed myself to stay alive, to be okay (or at least to work hard until I was).
 
What does that say about me? Well, perhaps it says I have unrealistic expectations (rainbows and unicorns anyone?) Or, maybe it says that I have a strong will and stubborn personality - that I am competitive and really like to win. Possibly, it even says that I was heavily clouded by large doses of pain medication, so I really didn't know how bad it was.
 
But, maybe none of that matters. Perhaps my belief that I would be okay, the medical staff's belief that they could help me, and the goodwill of family and friends, was all I needed. What if that is all any of us need?
 
I don't know why I believed that I would be okay. I just know that it never occurred to me that I wouldn't. And, for the most part, I didn't see doubt on anyone else's face either - not the medical staff, and not the family and friends who visited me. Maybe they bolstered me, or maybe I bolstered them, or maybe it was a combination of both. Who knows?

I do feel, though, that this almost dying thing can bring with it a lot of pressure. Certainly, I have thought it and people have said, "Oh, it wasn't your time, you haven't fulfilled your purpose." But, what if I never figure out what my purpose is? What if I don't positively impact the lives around me? What if I am supposed to do something big, and I have no idea what that is - what if I miss my opportunity?

So... here I am. Not only didn't I die, but I think I'm better than ever. Yeah, there's stuff that didn't work like it used to, but I have a clearer perspective on what is important, on how I want to live my life, and on what lessons I want to instill in my children. As for finding my purpose, I guess I'll keep working on figuring it out. Is there really any other way to fulfill one's purpose other than through trial and error?

Wouldn't it be nice if we could all gain perspective on what living is all about without having to "almost die?"

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