On What I Remember
It's weird to think that almost 2 full months of my life are a hazy blur, but they are. I am mostly glad that I don't remember, especially the bad stuff. Some of it though, I wish I remembered more.
I remember spending the morning of the accident cleaning up the old eQ office. We were throwing stuff away and labeling things for removal or to move it to the new office. I remember talking about who was going to ride with whom to lunch. I remember deciding that Emily was going to ride with me. I remember the conversation that Em and I had in the elevator on the way down to the car.
I DO NOT remember anything else from that day. I don't remember walking to the car. I don't remember that it was raining very hard (although I've been told that it was). I don't remember getting in the car, driving, the conversation on the way to lunch, or thankfully, the accident itself.
Most of the first couple of weeks in Shock Trauma were pretty hazy. I know that people came to see me. I know that I had conversations with some of them. I remember snippets here and there. I remember my mom being constant. I remember my brother staying the night and making my mom go home and get some rest. I remember apologizing to Ryan for breaking his wife when he and Emily came to visit. I remember some of the people who came to see me, and some of them I don't remember until visit two or three. I remember Tara painting my toes and I remember one of the nurses washing my hair.
Of the staff at Shock Trauma, I don't really remember the doctors or the nurses. I remember their kindness, but I don't really remember names or faces. I remember Clinton. I don't even know exactly what Clinton does at Shock Trauma, but he was in my room every day talking to me and being fun. I think had I truly understood what was going on, he would have made it a lot less scary. He probably did make it a lot less scary, I just didn't know I should be scared.
I don't think I saw myself in a mirror until I was at Sinai. This is probably a good thing since every bone in my face was broken and I didn't see me until I actually looked like me. I don't remember pain though. I know I was on some pretty hefty medications, but I don't remember my hand ever hurting, or my head, until I went to Sinai.
I do remember talking to Dr. Jindal before the surgery to repair my aneurysm. I remember him telling me that I might not ever be the same after that surgery, that I would certainly have some kind of stroke. I remember him making sure that I understood the risks going in, but that I also understood that not doing anything about the aneurysm would be worse. I remember asking Dr. Jindal how old he was (he's 35 - It seems that is old enough to be a brilliant doctor). I don't remember anything of the surgery itself or really anything after the conversation with Dr. Jindal. I just know that it took a lot longer than expected (almost 10 hours) and that everyone was surprised (happily) that I did not have a stroke.
I remember more from Sinai. I remember the therapists, the doctors, the nurses, and everyone who came to see me there. I remember the first time I spent the night by myself (either my mom, dad, or brother stayed with me until then). I remember Emily coming to visit with her mom. I remember thinking how happy I was that neither Em nor her family blamed me for the accident. (Obviously I know it was an accident and I would never hurt Em on purpose, but still I remember being glad that they didn't blame me - I blamed myself). I remember the first meal I got to actually eat.
I remember how thrilled the therapists were at my enthusiasm and willingness to try whatever they gave me to try. Evidently, there are many people in a rehab hospital that don't make a lot of effort and become very depressed. That wasn't me. I wanted to work hard. I wanted to go home and be with my children. I wanted my old life back.
As time has gone on, my parents and friends have helped me piece together things I don't remember. It has become somewhat of a blur as to what I remember and what I've been told by my parents. I doubt it really matters.
I know that I am grateful. I am grateful for everyone who supported me and prayed for me. Mostly though, I am grateful to be alive, that for the most-part, I am whole, and that I get to continue to be my kids' mom. I don't focus much on what could have been - I know I am lucky, but beyond that, why dwell on either what happened or what didn't. I'm going to take the good from this experience and move forward.
I remember spending the morning of the accident cleaning up the old eQ office. We were throwing stuff away and labeling things for removal or to move it to the new office. I remember talking about who was going to ride with whom to lunch. I remember deciding that Emily was going to ride with me. I remember the conversation that Em and I had in the elevator on the way down to the car.
I DO NOT remember anything else from that day. I don't remember walking to the car. I don't remember that it was raining very hard (although I've been told that it was). I don't remember getting in the car, driving, the conversation on the way to lunch, or thankfully, the accident itself.
Most of the first couple of weeks in Shock Trauma were pretty hazy. I know that people came to see me. I know that I had conversations with some of them. I remember snippets here and there. I remember my mom being constant. I remember my brother staying the night and making my mom go home and get some rest. I remember apologizing to Ryan for breaking his wife when he and Emily came to visit. I remember some of the people who came to see me, and some of them I don't remember until visit two or three. I remember Tara painting my toes and I remember one of the nurses washing my hair.
Of the staff at Shock Trauma, I don't really remember the doctors or the nurses. I remember their kindness, but I don't really remember names or faces. I remember Clinton. I don't even know exactly what Clinton does at Shock Trauma, but he was in my room every day talking to me and being fun. I think had I truly understood what was going on, he would have made it a lot less scary. He probably did make it a lot less scary, I just didn't know I should be scared.
I don't think I saw myself in a mirror until I was at Sinai. This is probably a good thing since every bone in my face was broken and I didn't see me until I actually looked like me. I don't remember pain though. I know I was on some pretty hefty medications, but I don't remember my hand ever hurting, or my head, until I went to Sinai.
I do remember talking to Dr. Jindal before the surgery to repair my aneurysm. I remember him telling me that I might not ever be the same after that surgery, that I would certainly have some kind of stroke. I remember him making sure that I understood the risks going in, but that I also understood that not doing anything about the aneurysm would be worse. I remember asking Dr. Jindal how old he was (he's 35 - It seems that is old enough to be a brilliant doctor). I don't remember anything of the surgery itself or really anything after the conversation with Dr. Jindal. I just know that it took a lot longer than expected (almost 10 hours) and that everyone was surprised (happily) that I did not have a stroke.
I remember more from Sinai. I remember the therapists, the doctors, the nurses, and everyone who came to see me there. I remember the first time I spent the night by myself (either my mom, dad, or brother stayed with me until then). I remember Emily coming to visit with her mom. I remember thinking how happy I was that neither Em nor her family blamed me for the accident. (Obviously I know it was an accident and I would never hurt Em on purpose, but still I remember being glad that they didn't blame me - I blamed myself). I remember the first meal I got to actually eat.
I remember how thrilled the therapists were at my enthusiasm and willingness to try whatever they gave me to try. Evidently, there are many people in a rehab hospital that don't make a lot of effort and become very depressed. That wasn't me. I wanted to work hard. I wanted to go home and be with my children. I wanted my old life back.
As time has gone on, my parents and friends have helped me piece together things I don't remember. It has become somewhat of a blur as to what I remember and what I've been told by my parents. I doubt it really matters.
I know that I am grateful. I am grateful for everyone who supported me and prayed for me. Mostly though, I am grateful to be alive, that for the most-part, I am whole, and that I get to continue to be my kids' mom. I don't focus much on what could have been - I know I am lucky, but beyond that, why dwell on either what happened or what didn't. I'm going to take the good from this experience and move forward.
You rock Carrie! I'm convinced that you recovered the way you did because of the spark you have in your soul. You can't teach, or coach that kind of stuff out of someone. It's there, or it's not. You got it. As they say, "Onward and upward!"
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Dan!
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