On Being an Anomaly
I recently got the craziest news. I'm still not entirely sure what to make of it, but here's the back story:
When I was first admitted to Shock Trauma, my mom approved allowing me to be a part of a double blind study. The medication in the study had shown some initial promising results in quickly reducing brain swelling, and therefore reducing a lot of the complications that can go with it. So, I was a part of this study. Until very recently, I did not know if I had received the medication or the placebo. The woman conducting the study (Charlene), as well as my parents, myself, and anyone who knew I was a part of this study assumed that I had most likely gotten the medication. The swiftness of reduction in my brain swelling post-trauma was remarkable. So, of course, I got the medication, right?
BUT I DIDN'T! As it turns out, I was in the placebo group. WHAT?!
Part of me is disappointed. I really enjoyed getting to know Charlene and wanted to be helpful to her study, for my results to push her agenda and potential life-saving medication forward.
My results were not, however, because of the medication. WOW! I kinda feel like this should be a mistake - like I really did get the medication. But, I'm sure that letter was correct. I wonder if Charlene is as disappointed (or as shocked) as I am?
It is hard for someone like me, someone who relies on, believes in, and greatly appreciates data and statistics to be medical anomaly, yet I am.
This is exampled in so many instances throughout my recovery: That I survived the accident at all; that the quick reduction in my brain swelling was not due to medication, but rather due to something internal; that my left hand is mostly functional (the hand surgeon thought for sure I wouldn't be able to work my fingers again); and probably most notably that I didn't have a massive stroke during the 10 hour aneurysm repair surgery (the expected outcome). I will likely be finding my story in many a medical journal to come. People just don't have outcomes like mine. It goes against the data.
I didn't come out of this experience good as new, but I definitely came out way better than statistically expected.
Emily said the other day that I am not an anomaly, I am a miracle. Maybe I am a miracle, but I think miracle is just a lovely word for anomaly - for the unexpected outcome. Perhaps it was that the doctors at Shock Trauma that day were the exact doctors I needed at that exact time. Or, it was their combined efforts, plus those of the nurses and other staff. Maybe, even, it was that Clinton (staff person at Trauma) made me laugh every day so that I never got down about my prognosis. It could be because of all of the prayers from around the world. Or, the support and love from my family and friends. Perhaps it was knowing I needed to get home to my children. Maybe God just didn't want me yet - I haven't fulfilled my purpose on earth. Most likely, it was some combination of all of these things.
I will likely never know the reason that things turned out this well. I can only be grateful they did - I can only move forward with making sure that gratitude remains in my heart; that this gratitude is not an anomaly.
Have I given up on stats and data all together due to my experience? Nah, it's kind of fun to be able to tell people that statistically speaking, I am probably the person they want driving them around in a car - It is safe to ride with me, I've already had my big accident.
When I was first admitted to Shock Trauma, my mom approved allowing me to be a part of a double blind study. The medication in the study had shown some initial promising results in quickly reducing brain swelling, and therefore reducing a lot of the complications that can go with it. So, I was a part of this study. Until very recently, I did not know if I had received the medication or the placebo. The woman conducting the study (Charlene), as well as my parents, myself, and anyone who knew I was a part of this study assumed that I had most likely gotten the medication. The swiftness of reduction in my brain swelling post-trauma was remarkable. So, of course, I got the medication, right?
BUT I DIDN'T! As it turns out, I was in the placebo group. WHAT?!
Part of me is disappointed. I really enjoyed getting to know Charlene and wanted to be helpful to her study, for my results to push her agenda and potential life-saving medication forward.
My results were not, however, because of the medication. WOW! I kinda feel like this should be a mistake - like I really did get the medication. But, I'm sure that letter was correct. I wonder if Charlene is as disappointed (or as shocked) as I am?
It is hard for someone like me, someone who relies on, believes in, and greatly appreciates data and statistics to be medical anomaly, yet I am.
This is exampled in so many instances throughout my recovery: That I survived the accident at all; that the quick reduction in my brain swelling was not due to medication, but rather due to something internal; that my left hand is mostly functional (the hand surgeon thought for sure I wouldn't be able to work my fingers again); and probably most notably that I didn't have a massive stroke during the 10 hour aneurysm repair surgery (the expected outcome). I will likely be finding my story in many a medical journal to come. People just don't have outcomes like mine. It goes against the data.
I didn't come out of this experience good as new, but I definitely came out way better than statistically expected.
Emily said the other day that I am not an anomaly, I am a miracle. Maybe I am a miracle, but I think miracle is just a lovely word for anomaly - for the unexpected outcome. Perhaps it was that the doctors at Shock Trauma that day were the exact doctors I needed at that exact time. Or, it was their combined efforts, plus those of the nurses and other staff. Maybe, even, it was that Clinton (staff person at Trauma) made me laugh every day so that I never got down about my prognosis. It could be because of all of the prayers from around the world. Or, the support and love from my family and friends. Perhaps it was knowing I needed to get home to my children. Maybe God just didn't want me yet - I haven't fulfilled my purpose on earth. Most likely, it was some combination of all of these things.
I will likely never know the reason that things turned out this well. I can only be grateful they did - I can only move forward with making sure that gratitude remains in my heart; that this gratitude is not an anomaly.
Have I given up on stats and data all together due to my experience? Nah, it's kind of fun to be able to tell people that statistically speaking, I am probably the person they want driving them around in a car - It is safe to ride with me, I've already had my big accident.
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