On Seven

When I imagined writing this blog (after I wrote last year's) I figured it would be positive and filled with all the good things that have happened this year and since the accident, filled with all the gratitude I feel. Spoiler alert - like most of 2020, it’s not going to be one bit like I expected. 

I know I should feel grateful. And I do - that I survived the accident, that I have few physical side effects, that I have few mental side effects. Emily is healthy and doing well. I am grateful. 

And, this year has been hard. 2020, in many ways, has been more difficult than 2013. But, to heal from my accident, I had mostly just to focus on myself and my progress. My family sheltered me and allowed me to leave the responsibilities that now weigh heavily upon my shoulders so that I could keep my attention on healing. I was allowed to have tunnel vision in 2013. And, as Emily put it, every step of progress was a celebration. 

Now, not so much. In this seventh year of healing and survival, I feel more brain tired than I ever have before. 

What is brain tired? It’s a different level of exhaustion - not physical, not emotional, not mental, or spiritual. Brain tired is all of that combined to form so complete an exhaustion that I wonder how I can put one foot in front of another. Wait, what’s a foot? 

Brain exhaustion is a common phenomenon that happens with TBI patients and survivors. It’s how one knows she’s pushed too far and that she needs to scale back - that balance is the key to sustaining health. 

I am brain tired. There is so much heaviness about me that I often feel as if I will topple with the next step. Between maintaining the work that I love, managing the school work of the two children I love, and managing my own stress, there’s very little left. I’m tired. Brain tired. 

And yet, I know how grateful I should be - how grateful I am. I have family and friends that help without a second’s thought.  I am able to participate in the charity work that makes my heart feel whole and rejuvenates me. I have neighbors that I enjoy spending time with and can count on in an emergency. I have two healthy children, who despite our pandemic circumstances, are doing relatively well. I am grateful. I feel guilty for having to be intentional about my gratitude. Shouldn’t I just be grateful all the time? I’m healthy and alive. 

Instead, I remind myself daily of all the things that fill me with gratitude. And still, my brain is tired. I do not know how to step away from being a mom (and now a teacher), from being a business owner, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin, a volunteer. I can’t step away because these roles are part of who I am and I love these roles as much as I love the people involved with each of them. I can’t step away because I don’t want to and because I take my responsibilities seriously. And still, my brain is tired. Being brain tired makes me feel like I am not doing any of my roles well. I’m barely maintaining, barely giving what others need of me, not giving what I want to give. Thinking about it only makes my brain more exhausted. 

I hate the uncertainty of 2020. Perhaps the reason that 2013 seemed not so horrible (besides the pain meds) is because I had some measure of control over the outcome. I could work harder and do more to get better. Now, I’m so tired, I can’t even think about more... I can barely manage a day. 

Still, I am hopeful. I have proven to myself and others that I can do hard things. I just want a week off from everything to make sure I can do those hard things well.