On Being an Antiracist

I took Environmental Science during my senior year of high school. I had dropped out of AP Physics because... well... physics. I still needed a science credit. So, there I was. It was a much better class than it had gotten credit for. 

I was seated next to a kid named CJ. I’ve since lost track of CJ, but I loved sitting next to him. I looked forward to that class every day. CJ was kind, funny, and smart. Most people (teachers) didn’t think he was smart because his grades were terrible. I figured out after a week or so that his grades were terrible because he could never find his classwork and homework to turn it in. He always did it. He just lost it from one day to the next. As a result, he got zeros for all that work he did and lost.

I became the keeper of CJ’s environmental science work. To me, it was a small way I could positively impact someone I cared about. Everyday when work was being collected, I would take his out and hand it to him. He would turn it in and receive credit for the work he put in. 

Fast forward a month or two - I was at McDonalds after a football game with my friends. We saw CJ there. He was with a group of his friends. He came bounding up to me, all excited, and said “Carrie! I want you to meet all my friends!” A few of the friends I had come with gave me funny looks. I shrugged it off.  

I went with CJ. He introduced me to everyone. I hung out for a bit, talked to new people, and then went back to the group I’d come with. 

I remember clearly one of my friends asking me why I was hanging out with a bunch of thugs. I was so surprised. I said “they aren’t thugs. That’s my friend CJ and those are his friends. They’re my friends now." 

What I didn’t say and what I regret not saying whenever I think back to this moment in time is “why on earth would you assume they are thugs? Do you think that because they are black? Do you think they aren’t worth my friendship because they are not the same as me?” Instead, I let it pass. I didn’t confront what I knew in my heart was wrong. 

I stayed friends with CJ until we were no longer in the same class and we had graduated from high school. I haven’t heard of him or from him in 25+ years. I also haven’t forgotten him. And, I haven’t forgotten that I could have done more for my friend. 

I could have defended him more overtly than I did. I could have pointed out my other friend’s faulty thinking. Instead, I was too afraid, too shocked that anyone would assume that someone was a “thug” just because he was black. I didn’t get it, but I knew it was wrong. I should have done more. 

I am sorry CJ for not having been a better friend. You were a great guy that I enjoyed being around. You deserved more from me than just keeping your schoolwork safe. 

I cannot change the past, but I can stand up now. I can speak against the hatred and discrimination so blatant and appalling that our people of color continue to have to withstand on a daily basis. I know I will never fully understand because I will never experience the world in the same way. And, I can still stand against what I know is wrong. 

I will not have the same experiences, but I can listen to those that have had and do have experiences of color-based discrimination. I am not black, but I can stand with my black friends. I can stand with the entire black community and say, “This is not okay. You deserve more than what this country has shown you. I am hearing the pain in your voice. I am in your corner. I am standing with you.”  

I will no longer be satisfied sitting on the sidelines believing that I am not a racist just because I have never overtly discriminated based on race. Instead, I will fight for justice and equality. I will fight for all people to be treated with respect and dignity. I will stand up and demand better. I am an antiracist.