On Pandemics, Social Distancing, and Single Parenting
This is a very difficult moment in time. It isn't that I haven't had other challenging times. Most of you know that I have. This is different.
This is a moment where I know that I am not the only one going through a hard time. Whereas past struggles have been mine, this is the world's. This is a global issue - I am not isolated in my feelings.
And yet, I feel so very alone.
Recovery from my accident was different than this... I never felt alone and I had some control over my circumstances. My family and friends were always close by - my mom lived at the hospital and my friends and other family visited daily. And, I knew that I could get better if I worked hard. I was never without hope or drive.
With the current global crisis, my family and friends cannot be close by and I have absolutely no control over the circumstances. I do not control whether or not my children go to school or if I can go to the movies, a restaurant, see my friends, hug my parents, my brother and sister-in-law, my niece and nephew. It is hard to have hope and drive without either connection or some power of influence.
I know that I am fortunate in so many ways, and for that I am grateful. I have a job that is both flexible and home-based. Although it is extremely difficult, I can both work and help my children through online school. Zoom allows us to have face-to-face meetings, happy hours and family gatherings. I see the good that I have.
And, I am profoundly sad for what I have lost. I am sad for what my children have lost. I am sad for the sick, the hungry, the overworked, the underpaid. I am just sad.
Being a single parent in this snapshot of our world has its own set of unique issues. With the exception of the two days every other week when my children visit their dad, I am everything to my kids. I am parent, I am teacher, I am friend, and I am foe. I have never worked harder to try to do everything... to be everything that they need. And, I am failing at so much of it.
I am failing at being a teacher. I definitely do not remember 5th grade math or 8th grade science. I am not paying as much attention to my work as I would prefer. Things are getting left undone. While I still hold myself to incredibly high standards, I am meeting them less and less - or at least I feel like I am. I don't sleep. I work at all hours to try to get stuff in before the kids need help. I am short-tempered. I get frustrated with the kids attitudes and lack of desire to do their work. Even though I know they are having some of the same challenges as I am - that they don't really grasp what is going on in the world - I still cannot stop myself from reacting to my daughter pushing my buttons or my son asking me to hand him something that he is closer to than I am.
There are days when I feel like I am losing my mind. There are days when I cannot wait to have just a day or two alone - for the kids to go to their dad's and give me a break from all the responsibility heaped upon my shoulders.
But then they are gone, and I realize how very alone I am. I long for a break from parenting, but am miserable sitting in my home without the extra responsibilities, without the voices and bodies. I cannot win in this situation. I feel defeated. This f*cking virus is knocking me on my ass like a life-threatening car accident did not.
I believe that Larry Hogan and many other governors have made the right choice in issuing stay-at-home orders. Logically and fundamentally I understand it. I know that it was the right thing to do and will, in the long-term, end this sooner. My brain gets it, but my heart is suffering.
Isn't it strange to know you aren't the only one and yet still feel so unbelievable alone in your experience?
This is a moment where I know that I am not the only one going through a hard time. Whereas past struggles have been mine, this is the world's. This is a global issue - I am not isolated in my feelings.
And yet, I feel so very alone.
Recovery from my accident was different than this... I never felt alone and I had some control over my circumstances. My family and friends were always close by - my mom lived at the hospital and my friends and other family visited daily. And, I knew that I could get better if I worked hard. I was never without hope or drive.
With the current global crisis, my family and friends cannot be close by and I have absolutely no control over the circumstances. I do not control whether or not my children go to school or if I can go to the movies, a restaurant, see my friends, hug my parents, my brother and sister-in-law, my niece and nephew. It is hard to have hope and drive without either connection or some power of influence.
I know that I am fortunate in so many ways, and for that I am grateful. I have a job that is both flexible and home-based. Although it is extremely difficult, I can both work and help my children through online school. Zoom allows us to have face-to-face meetings, happy hours and family gatherings. I see the good that I have.
And, I am profoundly sad for what I have lost. I am sad for what my children have lost. I am sad for the sick, the hungry, the overworked, the underpaid. I am just sad.
Being a single parent in this snapshot of our world has its own set of unique issues. With the exception of the two days every other week when my children visit their dad, I am everything to my kids. I am parent, I am teacher, I am friend, and I am foe. I have never worked harder to try to do everything... to be everything that they need. And, I am failing at so much of it.
I am failing at being a teacher. I definitely do not remember 5th grade math or 8th grade science. I am not paying as much attention to my work as I would prefer. Things are getting left undone. While I still hold myself to incredibly high standards, I am meeting them less and less - or at least I feel like I am. I don't sleep. I work at all hours to try to get stuff in before the kids need help. I am short-tempered. I get frustrated with the kids attitudes and lack of desire to do their work. Even though I know they are having some of the same challenges as I am - that they don't really grasp what is going on in the world - I still cannot stop myself from reacting to my daughter pushing my buttons or my son asking me to hand him something that he is closer to than I am.
There are days when I feel like I am losing my mind. There are days when I cannot wait to have just a day or two alone - for the kids to go to their dad's and give me a break from all the responsibility heaped upon my shoulders.
But then they are gone, and I realize how very alone I am. I long for a break from parenting, but am miserable sitting in my home without the extra responsibilities, without the voices and bodies. I cannot win in this situation. I feel defeated. This f*cking virus is knocking me on my ass like a life-threatening car accident did not.
I believe that Larry Hogan and many other governors have made the right choice in issuing stay-at-home orders. Logically and fundamentally I understand it. I know that it was the right thing to do and will, in the long-term, end this sooner. My brain gets it, but my heart is suffering.
Isn't it strange to know you aren't the only one and yet still feel so unbelievable alone in your experience?
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