On Complaining

Just recently, a friend of mine told me that he thought I was the least complaining person he knew.

He has been working on being mindful of negativity and complaining, particularly when those complaints are about things of no real consequence to daily existence, and the result of the complaints just incur unhappiness or a focus on negativity.

Anyway, his comment made me think. And, in some ways he's right - I don't complain about the hard things that I've gone through. I make a conscious effort to focus on what went right, instead of what went wrong.

Interestingly though, I used to complain... All the time - about the little stuff. In fact, I think I became more mindful of my complaining when I was called out on it in my undergrad program in Clinical Psychology.

A little backstory: I remember this guy Nat. He described me one day, in the midst of our group therapy class, and his description was "the most cheerful complainer I've ever met." I was completely taken aback. Cheerful... well, I totally got that. Complainer, though: what on earth did he mean? He went on and explained that if anyone asked me how I was, I would answer truthfully and in good cheer, but instead of answering "fine," I would say things like "I'm fine, but it's really cold outside" or "well, I'd be great if I'd slept well last night." I always had a qualifier of why I wasn't actually great - I always had a complaint. Nat found this somewhat amusing, and I am glad he brought attention to this bad habit of mine.

I can say that was a turning point for me. I didn't improve overnight or anything, but I did immediately become more mindful. I would start down the rabbit hole of complaining - about silly, inconsequential things, and I would stop myself at "I am well" and then I would ask "how are you?"

Who would have guessed how this complaining mindfulness would aide me in my future?

There is plenty I could complain about. In fact, I recently had to make a list of all of the challenges I'm currently facing as a result of my accident. That list was SO DEPRESSING.

Here's what's interesting though - that list wasn't depressing because it was true. It was depressing because I had to focus on it.

For the most part, unless I can't avoid it, I don't focus on the negative aspects of my accident or on how my life has changed for the worse. I am matter of fact about it - I'll tell you if you ask, but I make a conscious effort not to dwell on it or to complain.

Instead, I focus on gratitude. I could easily become mired down in what has gone wrong. And, I will tell you, I'm not perfect at this - sometimes it totally sucks and I want to complain. Sometimes I jump down that rabbit hole of misery and take a while to get back out.

I know, though, that complaining and focusing on the miserable aspects of daily life doesn't help me one bit. When I do that, I am miserable. When I focus on being grateful, though, I am happy to be where I am.

Relatively speaking, as far as perspective changes go, focusing on gratitude for what's going right as opposed to complaining about what's going wrong isn't really a major change to make. It is one of those little changes that make a big difference. By shifting focus, by being mindful of the complaints and actively trying to shift those complaints to what is good about your life, happiness becomes an available option.

Spend a few minutes thinking about your last few complaints. Does thinking about them and feeling miserable do anything to change them? I'd venture to guess you'd answer "not really." Does thinking about how grateful you are about some good part of your life make a difference? This is the part where I can tell you, it most certainly does.

Focusing on gratitude gives you power over your circumstance. It takes the things you cannot change and makes them less significant. And, it takes the things you can change and makes them possible to do so.

Next time someone asks you how you are, don't answer immediately with a complaint about the weather or the busyness of your day... even if you are feeling those things (because we all do). Instead, focus on what you're grateful for in your day. And at the very least, answer "I'm well, thanks. How are you?" It really is okay to leave it at that.