On A Close-out Year
Yesterday, I began a close-out year. That's right, I turned 39 and have begun the process of closing out my thirties.
I am not a fan of close-out years. To be honest, I don't know if nine bothered me and I'm pretty sure 19 didn't, but I know 29 was challenging - not because the year itself was particularly difficult, but for what closing-out a decade means to me.
I am so much better at hello than I am at goodbye. I had no problem with 30, as it allowed me to open a new chapter, fresh with new possibilities. I believe I'll feel the same about 40. No qualms whatsoever. I like fresh starts. I hate, however, long goodbyes. I don't like feeling sad about saying goodbye, so I generally do it quickly and get on to the next thing. I don't want to feel mired down by the sadness of leaving.
And yet, here I am, with 365 days to say goodbye to my thirties. Why on earth would I want to say goodbye for 365 days? Can't I just skip 39 and go right to 40?
Since I can't skip right to the hello of a new decade, maybe I should use this time to reflect.
If my twenties were my decade of change, or perhaps more accurately, the decade in which I crammed the most life changes in the shortest period of time, then my thirties are the decade in which I have found my voice.
I have had some really amazingly good times in my thirties, and I have had some really horrifically bad times, too. Here's what I know - I wouldn't trade any of them. This decade has allowed me to understand and own me. All of it has led me down the path to who I am right now. And, it has led me down the path to really liking the person that I am.
I have learned to have confidence in my choices. It isn't that I have started making the right decisions all of the time, but rather, I have learned that even a mistake is a chance to learn, to shift course, and to move forward.
I have learned that with hard work, perseverance, determination, and spirit, I can achieve great things. And, I have learned that despite still being fiercely independent, I cannot always achieve those great things alone - sometimes I need help, and that's okay too.
I have learned that I have a voice, and, I have something to say. I will no longer be afraid that what I have to say will be met with objection. Instead, I will clearly articulate my thoughts and I will argue for the things in which I believe, the things that need my support.
So, what are my intentions for my forties? I still have 364 more days to think about it, but for now, I intend to use my voice, not just because I can, but because my voice and my actions, can make a difference. I intend to model life-skills that my children can put in their toolboxes for later use. I intend to forgive myself when I mess up. I intend to be more present - rather than focus on what is 10 steps ahead, I shall focus on what is right in front of my face, particularly when what is in front of me is my children. And, I intend to have a really good time experiencing it all.
Will I follow-through on all of my intentions? I don't know - I hope so. They'll probably change and adapt as life does, but the intentions are there and they are good.
And now, I'll shall begin my close-out year. I will be present in this moment. I will not skip straight to 40 because it is more comfortable for me to start than to end. I will challenge myself to close-out a decade well-lived by living well this close-out year - because these little people deserve it. And, so do I.
I am not a fan of close-out years. To be honest, I don't know if nine bothered me and I'm pretty sure 19 didn't, but I know 29 was challenging - not because the year itself was particularly difficult, but for what closing-out a decade means to me.
I am so much better at hello than I am at goodbye. I had no problem with 30, as it allowed me to open a new chapter, fresh with new possibilities. I believe I'll feel the same about 40. No qualms whatsoever. I like fresh starts. I hate, however, long goodbyes. I don't like feeling sad about saying goodbye, so I generally do it quickly and get on to the next thing. I don't want to feel mired down by the sadness of leaving.
And yet, here I am, with 365 days to say goodbye to my thirties. Why on earth would I want to say goodbye for 365 days? Can't I just skip 39 and go right to 40?
Since I can't skip right to the hello of a new decade, maybe I should use this time to reflect.
If my twenties were my decade of change, or perhaps more accurately, the decade in which I crammed the most life changes in the shortest period of time, then my thirties are the decade in which I have found my voice.
I have had some really amazingly good times in my thirties, and I have had some really horrifically bad times, too. Here's what I know - I wouldn't trade any of them. This decade has allowed me to understand and own me. All of it has led me down the path to who I am right now. And, it has led me down the path to really liking the person that I am.
I have learned to have confidence in my choices. It isn't that I have started making the right decisions all of the time, but rather, I have learned that even a mistake is a chance to learn, to shift course, and to move forward.
I have learned that with hard work, perseverance, determination, and spirit, I can achieve great things. And, I have learned that despite still being fiercely independent, I cannot always achieve those great things alone - sometimes I need help, and that's okay too.
I have learned that I have a voice, and, I have something to say. I will no longer be afraid that what I have to say will be met with objection. Instead, I will clearly articulate my thoughts and I will argue for the things in which I believe, the things that need my support.
So, what are my intentions for my forties? I still have 364 more days to think about it, but for now, I intend to use my voice, not just because I can, but because my voice and my actions, can make a difference. I intend to model life-skills that my children can put in their toolboxes for later use. I intend to forgive myself when I mess up. I intend to be more present - rather than focus on what is 10 steps ahead, I shall focus on what is right in front of my face, particularly when what is in front of me is my children. And, I intend to have a really good time experiencing it all.
Will I follow-through on all of my intentions? I don't know - I hope so. They'll probably change and adapt as life does, but the intentions are there and they are good.
And now, I'll shall begin my close-out year. I will be present in this moment. I will not skip straight to 40 because it is more comfortable for me to start than to end. I will challenge myself to close-out a decade well-lived by living well this close-out year - because these little people deserve it. And, so do I.
Comments
Post a Comment