On...

I tend to feel all things intensely - good and bad, happy and sad, fun and torturous. What seems to be a positive thing about almost dying, is that it allows you to really reflect on what matters, to be compassionate toward others, to know what to hold on to, and what to let go of. Hatred seems like a pretty negative topic for what is still the holiday season and will soon be a new year, but I think it is a perfect topic on which to reflect, and then to perhaps decide a different course for the fresh start of the new year. It occurs to me that I have carried around hatred. I have hated people for some perceived wrong towards me, my friends or family, or towards a group I have affinity for. I have hated situations, for their unfairness. And, I have even hated spiders, for their creepy eight-legged, multi-eyed look. But, hatred has not served me well. No matter how intensely I hate, nothing changes. I can hate spiders, but my hatred does not rid the world of them - it only leaves m...

I thrive on certainty. Or, to be more specific, I thrive on taking chaos and making it certain. I have no actual problem with chaos - as long as I can make it nice, neat, and organized. It happens to be what I'm good at. That being said, what a better time for making chaos certain than the holidays. I know that I did stuff for Christmas last year. I purchased gifts. I made my "famous" lasagna dinner for my family. I know that Santa came. I know the kids got gobs of presents. I know that I spent time with family and friends. But, I don't really remember it. This time last year, I was not long out of the hospital. I think I still had a splint on my left hand and a plastic brace on my neck. And, I may have still been on quite a few pain meds. So, things are a bit...fuzzy. I have to rely on other people's memories of the holiday and not on my own. This year is different. Things are great. I have plenty of time to focus on the holiday, on making it perfect for ...

Simon is my snuggler. He wants to hug and kiss and sit on my lap. If it had been possible, I swear that kid would have stayed in the womb for eternity. Alli, on the other hand, likes the idea of snuggling, but not actually snuggling so much. She says "Mommy, can you snuggle with me? - But, you lay over there (2 feet away) and don't touch me." She really just wants me to lay down with her before bed, not to snuggle. Unlike her brother, Alli couldn't wait to get out into the world - she arrived 5 weeks early. Everything with Alli, is on her terms. That's okay. My kids are different. I appreciate that about them and life would be boring if they were identical people. I find it interesting though, that it is Alli that manages to find her way to my bed almost nightly. She starts off in hers, but about 2 or 3 AM, she's crawling into mine. And, she is no easy sleeper. She is frequently upside-down, moving all around, tearing covers off, and putting her feet in ...