On Hearing Seagulls
A few months after I got home from the hospital, maybe late March of last year, I was in bed, ready to go to sleep, when I noticed a soft squawking. Interesting... it seemed a little early for baby seagulls to be hatching, and wow, that nest must have been really close to my condo for me to hear them, but, seagull nesting patterns are not something about which I know. (Note to self - Google seagull nesting patterns).
I didn't really think much more of this, except that I heard them each night and wondered if they've gotten any bigger, or what baby seagulls actually look like.
Several weeks later, I spent a day at my parents' house. And in a quiet moment, I heard baby seagulls. Strange. Well, my parents also live on the water, so I guess it is possible that they, too, have a nest of baby seagulls somewhere near their house, but wow, what are the chances?
And then, I heard baby seagulls in Target. What?! Baby seagulls WOULD NOT be in Target!
My next thought - Oh... My... God... I am having auditory hallucinations. How is it that I managed to survive physical injury to both my body and my brain, to escape stroke and a permanent vegetative state only to now find myself on the crazy train? This is so unfair!
Hold on here, let's back up and perhaps give you some insight into my brain as a child. I had a VERY BIG, VERY DETAILED imagination. For example, in high school, my parents would sometimes leave for a weekend and I would stay home alone. If I happened to hear one, small noise, I would swear that someone was breaking in and was on his way to get me. But maybe, if I was really still and really quiet here in my bed, maybe the intruder would get my brother instead. Shit, my brother wasn't home, either, so that means the intruder was there just for me. Maybe if I am really still and quiet, he will just take all our stuff, instead. OK, that's what I'll go with.
Let's bring us back to now. My adult self rarely indulges in irrational fears. I try to focus on only what I can change. I know that there is no point in worrying about something that I have no control over. How I choose to respond to something is really the only control I have. However, you can probably see that I am no stranger to jumping down this particular rabbit hole, even if it has been a while.
And this is where I found myself, looming over that rabbit hole of (ir)rational fear, about to jump in. Just before I take the leap, I force myself to stop and back up a bit. I think that perhaps there is a more reasonable explanation than auditory hallucinations. Because really, don't most people (who have them) have hallucinations of people telling them things? Who has hallucinations of baby seagulls? Seriously, if i have to have hallucinations, can't they be more interesting than seagulls?!?! OK, deep breath, it is probably unlikely that I am having auditory hallucinations. Another deep breath. And whew, glad I talked myself off that ledge!
So, I Google it. Turns out, I am not having auditory hallucinations. And, there is in fact a completely reasonable explanation for hearing seagulls. I have tinnitus. Tinnitus is most often associated with ringing in your ears after you've spent too much time around loud noises. It can also occur as a result of neural hearing loss (which is the kind I have) due to head or neck injury. Although it says that tinnitus resolves itself, in most cases, in three-to-nine-months, in 10% of those, the tinnitus can last much longer or be permanent. It's been more than nine months for me, so I'm guessing the seagulls are sticking around.
In most situations, particularly ones where there is some measure of ambient noise, I do not notice the tinnitus. If it is quiet, I hear seagulls. Although distracting, I can usually ignore them and get done what I need to get done. Annoying. yes. A hindrance on my life, not really. But, if you're talking to me one day, and you notice me not paying attention, it isn't that you're not interesting (really, you are), it is most likely that I'm distracted by seagulls. I apologize in advance. I wish you could hear them, too. Or, better yet, that they were real, and we heard them because we were on some lovely beach somewhere forgetting that winter exists.
I didn't really think much more of this, except that I heard them each night and wondered if they've gotten any bigger, or what baby seagulls actually look like.
Several weeks later, I spent a day at my parents' house. And in a quiet moment, I heard baby seagulls. Strange. Well, my parents also live on the water, so I guess it is possible that they, too, have a nest of baby seagulls somewhere near their house, but wow, what are the chances?
And then, I heard baby seagulls in Target. What?! Baby seagulls WOULD NOT be in Target!
My next thought - Oh... My... God... I am having auditory hallucinations. How is it that I managed to survive physical injury to both my body and my brain, to escape stroke and a permanent vegetative state only to now find myself on the crazy train? This is so unfair!
Hold on here, let's back up and perhaps give you some insight into my brain as a child. I had a VERY BIG, VERY DETAILED imagination. For example, in high school, my parents would sometimes leave for a weekend and I would stay home alone. If I happened to hear one, small noise, I would swear that someone was breaking in and was on his way to get me. But maybe, if I was really still and really quiet here in my bed, maybe the intruder would get my brother instead. Shit, my brother wasn't home, either, so that means the intruder was there just for me. Maybe if I am really still and quiet, he will just take all our stuff, instead. OK, that's what I'll go with.
Let's bring us back to now. My adult self rarely indulges in irrational fears. I try to focus on only what I can change. I know that there is no point in worrying about something that I have no control over. How I choose to respond to something is really the only control I have. However, you can probably see that I am no stranger to jumping down this particular rabbit hole, even if it has been a while.
And this is where I found myself, looming over that rabbit hole of (ir)rational fear, about to jump in. Just before I take the leap, I force myself to stop and back up a bit. I think that perhaps there is a more reasonable explanation than auditory hallucinations. Because really, don't most people (who have them) have hallucinations of people telling them things? Who has hallucinations of baby seagulls? Seriously, if i have to have hallucinations, can't they be more interesting than seagulls?!?! OK, deep breath, it is probably unlikely that I am having auditory hallucinations. Another deep breath. And whew, glad I talked myself off that ledge!
So, I Google it. Turns out, I am not having auditory hallucinations. And, there is in fact a completely reasonable explanation for hearing seagulls. I have tinnitus. Tinnitus is most often associated with ringing in your ears after you've spent too much time around loud noises. It can also occur as a result of neural hearing loss (which is the kind I have) due to head or neck injury. Although it says that tinnitus resolves itself, in most cases, in three-to-nine-months, in 10% of those, the tinnitus can last much longer or be permanent. It's been more than nine months for me, so I'm guessing the seagulls are sticking around.
In most situations, particularly ones where there is some measure of ambient noise, I do not notice the tinnitus. If it is quiet, I hear seagulls. Although distracting, I can usually ignore them and get done what I need to get done. Annoying. yes. A hindrance on my life, not really. But, if you're talking to me one day, and you notice me not paying attention, it isn't that you're not interesting (really, you are), it is most likely that I'm distracted by seagulls. I apologize in advance. I wish you could hear them, too. Or, better yet, that they were real, and we heard them because we were on some lovely beach somewhere forgetting that winter exists.
My tinnitus takes the form of seagulls as well. Could there be a more annoying noise to hear, am I right?! If you're anything like me, it will be in quiet areas, esprespeci when you're wearing headphones that you hear it. I went to the doctor's and did a hearing test and they did pick up on the fact that my left ear has much worse hearing than my right because of my tinnitus. Then, once I was scheduled in for a hospital appointment, it went away, only to come back after the appointment! I've decided to leave it for now, and only go to the doctor's if it gets worse. I hope I've assured you more that this seagull noise is not your mind playing tricks on you, and you are not alone!
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